Why am I up at 1 am working on stepwork?
Because after a really great friggin day and evening with my husband and our friend watching standup and just hanging out… I layed down perfectly happy to go to sleep and before I started to drift… my mind started to wander… and 5 wrong turns later I found myself planning a “hypothetical relapse plan of attack”
Thinking about running off by myself, leaving behind my finally happy life, to go be alone in a hotel somewhere with a fresh box of rigs, a bag of dope and have myself one last party… which by the way… I do NOT actually want to do or plan on doing. Just to be clear lol.
What triggered this chain of thoughts that lead up to this?
I was just about to fall asleep when my arm started to go numb because I had it up under my head/pillow and when I pulled it out… my veins… which I havent seen in probably a year due to my using… were popping out something fierce. And as the blood rushed back into my numb arm I could visibly see, even in the dim light…them throbbing and pulsing…and it literally made me sick to my stomach. I’m still not sure why… anyway…
How did this trigger my relapse thoughts?
You see… near the end of my drug use… before I got clean I had to switch my ROA [route of administration] because I was a total mess… I’d done alot of damage to my veins and had a hell of a time finding one when it came time to do my business… so eventually I had no other choice but to stop shooting up because it just couldnt be done anymore in the shape I was in. So I quit jacking for a while before I actually got sober and just resorted to different ROAs… untill my very last day using when i revisited my old friend one last time and did probably one of the best shots I’d ever had… so good it fucking scared the shit out of me. And it was by sheer luck i even managed to get it in. You would think I’d be good after that rush… but no… an hour or so later… being the junkie i was… i tried for another and due to the vasoconstriction of the previous blast and the dehydration that comes along with Methamphetamine… i couldnt get it in. I spent hours poking around and was so frustrated and ended up in tears covered in needle marks and blood… with a rig full of clots and the LAST bit of my dope.
I had just had one of the best… like top 10 rushes of my entire dope shooting career and completely killed my high by trying to chase it and get another one in…
because one is never fucking enough …
so I sat there… sobbing, in pain, disgusted with myself and the last bit of my ice sitting absolutely useless in a junked up syringe… and in that moment I decided I was fucking done.
Not just with shooting up like I was before when I switched to a different ROA…but done for real. Like done done.
Because in that moment is when I knew that even if I switched my ROA I would still inevitably always come back to the steele… because after some time of not Injecting… your veins do come back, well some of them anyways… and when they did if I was still using I knew I would eventually pick up a needle again. And yeah the first few shots might go off like a bang… but after a few I would surely end up just like I sat right there in that moment… hopeless, dopeless and full of regret.
And that’s such a shitty feeling.
But that’s the feeling that I believe saved my life. That’s the feeling that got me to where I am today.
I talk alot about all the good things that come with sobriety because they are so many… and truly are amazing. But all the good feelings I’ve ever experienced thus far dont even touch the phenomenal feeling of a good iv shot. They just dont. If you’ve ever shot up… you know what I’m talking about… but in the very same breath let me say that the highs can be great but the lows are the absolute WORST feelings I’ve ever fealt in my entire life, like what I was just talking about.
Those low feelings are worse than ANY bad day I’ve ever had in my sobriety. Ever.
And yes the good feelings that come along with sobriety are what HELPS keep me sober.
But remembering the BAD feelings that came along with using are what truly truly keep me from using everyday.
Because no matter how bad a day I could be having sober… it doesnt even come close to the feeling of self hatred you get when sitting in the floor crying over ruined dope you cant shoot even if you could somehow manage to finally find a vein to put it into.
So… after saying all this how could I possibly still get triggered and romanticize about the idea of having one more hoorah just because of something as simple as seeing my own healthy veins?
Because I am a recovering needle junkie… and nothing makes you want to shoot up more than seeing a nice big fat juicy vein.
But Katy? You’re sober now, why do you even think about shooting up at all?
Because I am a drug addict.
I’m almost 7 months sober in recovery. Happily in recovery… yes. But at the end of the day I am STILL a drug addict.
I will forever and always be a drug addict. This is something I will continue to battle for the rest of my life. And hopefully, if I’m lucky, and if I’m diligent and active in my recovery and continue to work on self improvement I will continue to win my battle and stay in recovery…
THAT is why… I am up at 1 am working on step work and reading my NA book.
THAT is also why I am sharing this… because I do post a lot of positive stuff about my recovery journey as most in recovery who have taken to social media as an outlet like I have usually do… but what I dont always do is share with you guys the rough times… thankfully they are few and far between most of the time… but they do happen… I do still struggle.
And if you are someone reading this who is also in recovery and struggling … you need to know that you are NOT alone.
You also need to know… that the bad times are just a moment in time. They wont last forever. They will pass.
Just as mine did in the time it took me to sit here and write this.
You can and will get through it.
One day… one hour… one minute… one second at a time.
Peace and love to all.
Disclaimer: I do not in anyway support or condone the use of illicit drugs. I am simply a recovering drug addict documenting my journey in the hopes of spreading awareness and helping others who are in or can relate to my situation. . I do not wish to trigger anyone or bring negativity to anyone in anyway. I only hope that by sharing my story I can help to inspire others by letting them know they are not alone.