Musical Trigger

Music is my saving grace… but tonight I experienced something I didnt expect.

A song came on my playlist [ do I wanna know – arctic monkeys] because it used to be one of my favorite songs. I loooove the arctic monkeys… like love love love… and this song just so happened to be one of my favorites at a pretty dark time in my life.

The second it started playing my mood changed instantly … I sat down holding my phone unable to change the song… and in my head I was flashing back to being in my old bedroom… lights dimmed… sitting in my underwear after just finishing a killer shot that sent me on one of the hardest most Intense rushes I ever experienced.

I was watching my cealing fan shake back and fourth and feeling the wind cool down my body that was on fucking fire from the intense stimulation from the shot… and my teeth were starting to chatter… something that always happened with a big shot… and this song was playing super loud on the surround sound…just thumpin around me… and I just layed there in an artificial state of methed out dopamine infested bliss…

I could seriously feel it all over again like I was fucking there. I could see everything… smell everything… feel the heat in my chest that always made me cough accompanied by the metallic taste in my mouth that always followed an iv blast…

That was the most horrific thing that’s happened to me since I got sober 😦

The second the song stopped playing… my husband asked me what was wrong… I was aparently staring off blankly like a goofball the whole time… and I just looked at him with tears in my eyes and said I’m so glad that’s over… he didnt understand what i was talking about … so I explained to him what just happened and asked him if music could be triggering and he said… idk… I guess so…

I guess so…

😦

Music is everything to me… I’ve literally always got something playing… and the last thing i expect is for THAT to happen at total random over a song that isnt even really about drugs… especially when music is my zen…

Not cool… not cool at all

Damn it , addict brain 😦 Way to ruin one of my favorite bands/songs for me 😦

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