I’d like to start before this letter by stating first and foremost that I do not blame you guys, or any of your short comings for my addiction. Before reading this I need you to know that this, my life, where/how i ended up was NOT your fault. My choices and my actions were all my own.
Secondly, I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you, make you worry, or make you feel like you had somehow failed me as a parent. My addiction is my own, and it had little to nothing to do with you guys. I’m so sorry you had to suffer in anyway due to my mistakes.
Thirdly, I love you.
Please read this with an open mind and understand that my reasons for writing this is to express myself, explain some of my actions and help you maybe understand a little more about me. Also, I’m sharing this publicly, because I’m a writer, I’m unashamed, and it’s what I do.
It’s my Hope’s that others who read this may be able to connect on some level, and maybe it can help another addict who is still suffering or in recovery or maybe the family loving an addict can relate and understand and maybe by writing this, I can help someone , anyone else affected by this horrible disease.
So here goes…
Dear Mom and Dad,
I am a drug addict and needle junkie.
I am selfish.
I am broken.
But its NOT your fault.
I have lied to you.
I have let you down.
I have hurt you.
But I LOVE you.
I have suffered in silence longer than you’ll ever know.
I have done things I’m not proud of.
I’ve wronged people.
But I never meant to.
I’ve stooped to lows I’d never immagined.
I threw away my potential for a few minutes of bliss.
I welcomed that bliss into my veins.
But I never dreamed I’d be THAT girl…
That girl sitting in the floor crying because she cant find a vein.
That girl covered in her own blood, bruises of her own making, and tears of desperation.
That girl using concealer to cover her track mark’s on a daily basis.
But I WAS that girl.
I WAS chasing the rush, because it fealt so fucking good.
I WAS lying to everyone, because i fealt so fucking bad.
I WAS lost.
But now, I’m NOT.
I’m sorry for who I was while in active addiction.
I’m sorry I didnt reach out for help.
I’m sorry I didnt turn out how you had hoped.
But now, I’m trying.
I’m still not okay, but I’m learning that it’s okay to not be okay. And thats… okay.
I’m still not as strong as I’d like, but I’m growing. Personally, spiritually and emotionally .
I’m still a mess.
But atleast now, I’m a beautiful one.
I’m still am addict.
But atleast now, I’m recovering.
I’m still your daughter.
But atleast now, you know me.