Living With BPD

Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’.

Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet.

BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing.

BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose.

You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes.

Believe me, you don’t want it.

BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.

It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend.

It’s automatically registering new people as a threat.

It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent.

It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.

It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out.

It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are.

It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day.

Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.

It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection.

It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out.

It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you.

They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed.

It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about?

What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it?

If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault.

If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”

It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms.

It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days.

It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t.

It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times.

It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself.

It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative.

Bpd is a constant never ending battle against yourself, your thoughts and your feelings, and whats so difficult is that you dont know yourself, your thoughts or your feelings… so you never really know what youre battling. Or if youre really even battling anything at all. Is this a dilusion, am I disassociating? Or is this really happening and do I truly have a legitimate and logical reason for behaving and feeling like this.

To sum it up… bpd is alot like gaslighting your own self on a constant daily basis.

If that’s not enough to make someone act out and be crazy… I dont know what is.

I am living with borderline personality disorder. And if anyone out there reading this is too… do me a favor right now and take a breath… and say this to yourself

” I am worthy of love, but first I have to love myself”

Say this to yourself every single day. And mean it. And untill you can learn to love yourself… know that I’m out here somewhere with enough love in my heart for all of you… and I believe in each and every one of you.. you can and will get through it. Just dont ever give up.

Life is beautiful…even on the darkest of days 🙂

❤ KD

Disclaimer: This is a post that’s not completely my own but inspired by something I seen on tumblr and has my own little tidbits thrown in. The original person who put this out deactivated their account so I can’t rightly give credit where it’s due but every word of this is so true it hurts… if you’re living with bpd or in a relationship with someone who has bpd…hang in there… it will get better someday… dont give up. Learn to love yourself… the rest will follow.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.